“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” Rodney said, keeping his voice as calm and patronizing as he could manage.
“Darling,” Elizabeth said through gritted teeth, “you’d best start giving a damn soon, or our guests may think us inhospitable.”
No one had expected some crazed conspiracy theorist nuts to explode into Rodney’s living room while Atlantis’s senior command was having a planning session - and very nice dinner party at Major Lorne’s hand - but now there was pretending to be done.
“Where is he?” the lead gunman asked. He had pale skin and pale eyes and looked like he didn’t see nearly enough sun.
“The person you’re looking for, Dr. Daniel Jackson, has never been to this house, and I doubt he ever will be here in the future,” Elizabeth said, and Rodney snorted derisively.
For a man who was terrified of rats offworld, his ability to be snarky when guns were in play was astounding.
“Then give us Dr. Meredith McKay. Where is she?” the second gunman asked. By contrast, his face was tanned and weatherbeaten from many long hours in the sun.
John looked at Rodney. Rodney shook his head minutely.
The second gunman turned his weapon on Teyla. “You. You’re Meredith McKay?”
“I am not as brilliant as Dr. McKay,” Teyla said, serenely.
“But you know who she is? Where she is?”
“I do not know where she is,” Teyla said, which was not exactly a lie.
“Do you know how to reach her?”
“I do not have her telephone number,” Teyla said, which was the truth.
“Wow,” one of the other gunmen said, forking up a mouthful of the garlic mashed potatoes. “These are really good.”
“Please,” Elizabeth said. “We’re just having a dinner party. We aren’t the people who can get you what you want.”
Lorne said, “They’re real mashed potatoes, not out of a box.”
The gunman actually set is gun down and sat down at the table - in Lorne’s seat - and started serving himself dinner.
Elizabeth raised her eyebrows at Rodney. What now?
Ronon punched the first gunman in the head, and chaos exploded. Teyla, Ronon, John, Lorne, and Elizabeth managed to overpower the gunmen, disarm them. Ronon, Teyla, and Lorne got them all backed into a corner, hands raised in surrender, while John put in a call to the SGC. They needed backup immediately.
“Next time,” Elizabeth said to Rodney, “please do try to give a damn when armed gunmen crash into your house.”
“Their demands were stupid, and I didn’t give a damn about those,” Rodney said, and he handed Elizabeth her plate of food and a fork. “But I did give a damn about, you know, maintaining our cover.”
Which was that they were having a nice dinner party and nothing more.
“Gone with the Wind? Really?” John asked once his phone call was done.
“I was improvising,” Rodney protested. “Improv is harder than people think it is.”
“Totally,” one of the gunmen said. He sounded young.
Rodney rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”