Bulletproof Kink #3

Theme: heartbreak hotel. Minus the hotel.

It goes like this: leading lady is a teenage girl whose grandmother is dying, so she hangs around the hospital after school every day for three months, keeping her grandmother company. While there she meets a boy and, while they’re both abrasive and abrupt at first, they become friends. They talk and play cards, bring each other food and jokes and make up ways to entertain her grandmother. He, too, is there every day, but the girl doesn’t know why, and she doesn’t talk about it, until she finds out, near the end, that the boy has a twin brother who is dying, and the boy, who suffers from a terminal illness of his own, is going to give up one of his lungs to save his brother, and then likely die shortly thereafter as a result. During this three months, of course, girl and boy fall in love, and the boy insists that the girl stay away after the operation, because he doesn’t want her to see him dying. The day before the operation, the girl’s grandmother dies, so she never does see the boy, and she never finds out who his brother is (because they are fraternal, not identical twins - I like to think they will be chiaroscuro twins, one blond and one dark), and she misses the boy fiercely because she knows she will never see him again. Then one day at school, across the cafeteria, she sees a new boy who has a familiar smile, and they get to talking and become friends, and one day, when she goes over to her new friend’s house for a study date, she sees a picture in the foyer, and she knows that the boy she loved is dead and the boy standing before her is breathing with his brother’s lungs. Living boy falls in love with girl, but she knows she will always love his brother and cannot give him what he wants, and there is a walking away at the end. I would want this to feel the way the novel Plum Wine made me feel at the end.

(358 words)

Bulletproof Kink #2

Theme: bulletproof plot kink - alternate universe!

Leading Lady: is a hard-working grad student in biochemistry who spends all her time in the lab, teaching, or doing martial arts for stress relief.

Leading Man: is a civil engineer at an architectural firm who loves his job and his wife and wants to have kids and a dog.

Conflict: Leading Man goes to sleep in a hotel in Chicago at an engineering conference and wakes up in an alternate universe where he is an immensely popular film star and not married to his universe’s version of Leading Lady. Complications ensue, wherein Leading Man tries to get home to his wife, Leading Lady is dragged into the shenanigans, and we all know Leading Man is in the wrong universe because in his universe his father died and that’s why he took the practical route of becoming an engineer instead of an actor, but in this universe his father is alive and there is something of an emotional breakdown the first time leading man calls him.

Resolution: this tale calls for a broken heart. After a year of being in the new universe, Leading Man surrenders himself to the fact that he is never going home and asks Leading Lady to marry him and she, against her better judgment, says yes. Every morning when he wakes up she asks him, “Which one are you?” and he always says, “Yours” until the morning when he doesn’t.

(242 words)

Bulletproof Kink #1

Theme: bulletproof plot kink - amnesia!

Leading Lady: is a young working professional who enjoys life, is decently pleasant, has easy hobbies (movie night with the girls) and is newly-married.

Leading Man: is Leading Lady’s husband, also a young working professional, who likes to play sports and spend time with the guys but is an amazing cook and loves his wife.

Conflict: amnesia! Leading Man suffers head injury during a sports game and wakes up in hospital with no memory of who he is or what he used to do. Doctors recommend that he be allowed to remember slowly and without outside interference, i.e. the emotional overload of a worried but now relieved wife, so Leading Lady must pretend she does not live in her own home and that she and Leading Man are simply close friends (she is his closest friend; she moves in with one of her movie night girls). Chaos ensues when an old flame of Leading Man discovers his memory loss and attempts to win him back.

Resolution: Leading Man comes home from work (because he has retained his skills, just no memory of his projects or his coworkers) and finds Leading Lady asleep on couch with open wedding photo album on her lap, realizes the truth, and there is happily ever after, and also possibly some catty comeuppance for evil old flame.

(227 words)

Gender Role Reversal #1

Theme: gender role reversal!

Leading Lady: ex-military, skilled with weapons and unarmed combat, a little abrupt on the interpersonal action, but efficient and well-meaning; honorably discharged after a black ops mission ended in the death of most of her team.

Leading Man: certified super-genius and the mind behind the newest solution to renewable energy; beautiful and aloof and abrasive and under threat by various terror groups; also possible target of political/industrial espionage.

Conflict: abrasive genius and no-nonsense bodyguard stuck together for the foreseeable future, dodging danger and getting to know each other and, ultimately, falling in love. Bonus points for awkward conversation, attempts to teach Leading Man how to use a gun, and other fine romance cliché moments. Also maybe Leading Lady on duty while Leading Man is on a date? And comfort after emergency/gunfight/attack.

(142 words)

Teen cliché plot #2

Leading Lady: girl working simple/menial job; comfortable, finished with school, in a big city, but a bit lost as to directions in life

Leading Man: an actor, handsome, fresh out of drama school and on his first big project, a primetime family-friendly adventure show

Conflict: bodyswap! gender confusion due to body swap - potential for shenanigans to abound. Leading Lady falls in love with Leading Man’s best friend!

Basic arc: in the beginning, adjusting to each other’s bodies and working up a compromise to make sure they don’t ruin each other’s lives; Leading Man in Lady’s body just has to keep up with work and friends; Leading Lady in Man’s body is at the end of shooting and just has to finish some stunt scenes and then head home. In the middle, Leading Man confesses to Leading Lady’s best friend and she helps him maintain the charade. Leading Lady, so far from Leading Man’s home, feigns partial amnesia due to a stunt gone wrong. In the end, bodies and souls are restored, revelations are had, and romance blooms.

(179 words)

Teen cliché plot #1

Leading Lady: young, professional, working in a city. Possible backstory as a young widow or perhaps her fiancée died? An eclectic mix of hobbies and likes, a solidly loyal friend or to.

Leading Man: a prince of some random unheard-of country in Europe (because that’s easy), on a quest to find the best woman for him (since marrying commoners is acceptable on The Continent these days).

The ruse: Leading Man disguises self and two bodyguards as homeless people and actually lives the homeless life. Starts at one end of the country and moves westward, traveling through big cities and small towns and looking for a kind soul.

The meeting: Leading Lady is a charitable soul and occasionally brings food to the homeless men who stand on the corner near her apartment building, and one day she brings food to one of Leading Man’s bodyguards.

Conflict: Leading Lady continues to bring food to the ‘homeless men’ and even makes conversation with them; Leading Man is humbled and grateful for her charity but does not know how to tell her who he is; Leading Lady is still heartbroken over her dead fiancée husband.

Resolution: Leading Lady needs time to mourn, and Leading Man realizes he needs to give her time, so he returns to his country, and later they meet and realizations are had and there is happily ever after.

(229 words)

Denouement

“I see you kept your end,” Niamh said quietly, looking her own body over. As promised, Niall had trained to keep Niamh’s body strong all year.

Niall nodded. “And you.” He accepted the spellbook.

“What did Declan say?” Niamh asked.

“We must return immediately.” Niall frowned; for one moment, Niamh thought she was looking in a mirror.

“You’d better say my goodbyes,” Niamh said.

“I’m sorry.” Niall squeezed her hand.

“Me too.” Niamh nudged him in the direction of the knights’ hall. “Your princes await.”

“I’ll make it brief so no one notices.” Niall returned the spellbook and ducked out of the alcove, drew the curtains closed behind him so Niamh could hide.

Only before the heavy velvet fell shut, a hand thrust into the gap and pulled the curtains wide.

“Hello there.” Aurelius, grinning, stepped into the alcove. Ambrosius came up behind him; his expression was grim.

“Your Highness.” Niamh started to bow, then fumbled into a curtsey.

“Did you really think,” Aurelius said, “that Ambrosius wouldn’t notice such powerful magic going on right under his nose?”

Niamh’s eyes went wide; she clutched the spellbook close. “I’ve done no magic, My Lord --”

“I daresay you have,” Ambrosius said. “This entire time, you were a girl?”

Niamh cursteyed again. “My Lord, I am Niamh, sister to Niall, your page --”

“The boy who just left is no page of ours,” Ambrosius said. “The entire time you served us, I could sense something was off, that your magic was disjointed, but now it’s back in place, and I see why.”

He knew? Niamh lifted her head. “There’s a good explanation for this, My Lord.”

Aurelius arched an eyebrow.

“All right, not a good one as much as one day I woke up and Niall had switched us and I wanted to be a knight anyway, and no one would have known, only now father is dying and Niall is to inherit, and I --”

“And you’re going to deprive us of the best page we’ve ever had?” Aurelius said. “Come along - we’ve bribed one of the barbers to cut your hair and a scullery maid to help disguise you. Quick - before Father notices.”

Niamh blinked. “My Lord --”

“When this is all over, maybe one of us will marry you,” Ambrosius said, and he grinned. “I’ll give that book to Niall. He’ll be interested to know that Father’s accepted my proposal for battle mages.”

Ideas and Plans

This is all your fault," Aurelius said cheerfully. He, Ambrosius, and Niamh - who, by this stage of her page training, served both of them - were huddled beneath a dense cluster of shrubs watching King Lars' men march past.

"I distinctly remember that this was your idea," Ambrosius said. "I was content studying barrier spells in the library."

"I meant Niall," Aurelius said. He ruffled Niamh's hair. "It's always the subordinate's fault."

"Yes, My Lord," Niamh said patiently. Ambrosius met her gaze, and they both rolled their eyes.

"What's the plan, O Genius Warrior?" Ambrosius asked.

"Why would I have the plan?" Aurelius asked innocently. "I'm just the muscle, O Future King. Shouldn't His Highness have a plan?"

Niamh said, "Ambrosius, you should start a fire on the far side to distract them. Aurelius can sneak around and cut off their rear and I...will shoot them. With arrows."

"Why does the page have a plan?" Aurelius asked.

"Because he's looking to make squire." Ambrosius handed Niamh his quiver. "Take my arrows."

"We need a back-up plan, of course," Niamh said reasonably. "In case one or both of you are captured and held for ransom."

Aurelius had gone to draw his sword; he paused. "Do you have to think of everything?"

"You're the king's sons. I must be prepared." Niamh shoved Ambrosius's arrows into her quiver.

"He's right," Ambrosius said. "If we get taken by King Lars, Father will -"

"Start a war," Aurelius said brightly.

"If I get taken, on the other hand," Niamh said, "you two can get home free." She started to slither forward on her stomach, ready to make a one-man rally against King Lars's troops.

Ambrosius caught her arm. "Are you mad?"

"It's the best plan we've got." Niamh looked up at him. "Have you seen how many men there are?"

"That doesn't matter," Ambrosius said.

Aurelius shook his head. "Niall's right. You're heir to the throne. You have to get home."

"Just me?" Ambrosius asked. "But we're both princes --"

"I'm the second son," Aurelius said. "I'll protect Niall. You go."

"But the plan --"

"Set the fire and go."

Ambrosius pressed his lips into a thin line. "No, Aurelius, I'm not leaving you -"

"Go," Aurelius said. He tugged on Niall's elbow. "Come on. We have to protect the prince."

Niall looked at Ambrosius. "Good luck, My Lord."

"Niall --" Ambrosius began.

She fired an arrow.

For The Day

Niamh came awake sharply, hand going for Niall's sword. She rolled to
her feet and swung the sword up, ready to guard.

Aurelius leaned in the doorway, smirking. "You're jumpy, aren't
you?"

"My Lord," Niamh stammered.

"I heard you had an interesting night at the pages' feast," Aurelius
said.

Interesting was one word for it. Niamh thought a better choice was
'embarrassing', given that she'd almost given herself away as a girl
and been mocked as a coward by the rest of the pages.

"Don't worry - I'm not one of the pages here to play a hideous prank on you," Aurelius said. "I've just come to inform you that, as Ambrosius is busy doing heir-to-the-throne things and I've scared away my own page, you shall be my page for the day. Get dressed and come help me with my armor. I'm training with the master-at-arms."

Niamh bowed. "Yes, My Lord."

Aurelius crossed the room and caught her by the chin, tilted her head up, and she felt her pulse jump. He was ridiculously handsome.

"You've an uncommonly pretty face, for a lad. Be careful - it might get you into more trouble than you're already in."

Niamh swallowed hard.

Aurelius stepped back. "The knights' courtyard. Fifteen minutes."

Fifteen minutes later, Niamh skittered into the courtyard dressed in leggings and a tabard marking her as Ambrosius's page. Aurelius stood on the sidelines next to a rack of weapons, fiddling with the buckles
of his gauntlet.

"Allow me, My Lord," Niamh said, hurrying to his side.

He looked up and smirked. "A page who's prompt. Giving your superiors high expectations already, are you?"

Niamh blinked. "Are you suggesting I should be slovenly in my duties?"

"Not at all." Aurelius let his hand fall to his side and watched her work.

Niamh had always been quick with armor, because Niall fussed if it took too long to prepare for the mock-bouts he had with Declan.

The master-at-arms, a grizzled veteran of a knight who was missing an eye, stepped into the courtyard fully armed.

"Good luck, My Lord," Niamh said, and handed Aurelius a sword.

"I don't need luck," he said, "but thanks anyway."

Niamh arched an eyebrow. "Shall I tear a strip off my tabard so you can wear a favor?"

Aurelius threw his head back and laughed. Then he leapt into the fight.

To You

“Aurelius,” Ambrosius said mildly, though he blushed, “no need to be so fierce with the pages. It wasn’t so long ago we were pages ourselves, aye?”

The blond boy was Prince Aurelius. Of course. Prince Ambrosius’ younger twin brother, the legendarily brilliant warrior despite being only a squire; Prince Ambrosius was known more for his skills in diplomacy and magic. As if sensing Niamh’s thoughts, Ambrosius tugged on the collar of his squire tabard, obviously uncomfortable.

But he smiled at Niamh, and she felt something in her chest lurch. “Don’t mind him - his bark is worse than his bite. It’s true, though, the master-at-arms forgot to assign me a page. If you’ll follow me, you’ll be staying adjacent to my chambers during your training.”

Niamh swallowed hard and almost tripped over Niall’s big feet as she followed Ambrosius away from the pages’ hall.

“So, Niall, do you come from a large family?”

Ambrosius smiled over his shoulder at her, and she was struck by how lovely his blue eyes were. Her voice lodged in her throat.

“No need to be afraid - I am the prince, but I’m also just a boy. Speak up.”

“My mother died when I was a child,” Niamh said, “and I have one sibling. A twin br- sister. She is training in the magical arts.”

Ambrosius’ smile brightened, and Niamh felt her palms begin to sweat.

“Then you understand some of what I put up with when it comes to Aurelius. Are you elder or younger?”

“Younger,” Niamh said, which was true - she was younger, but Niall was older. It wasn’t as if Ambrosius would ever find out.

“When we’re twins, it doesn’t make much of a difference, I suppose,” Ambrosius said. “Besides, you and I are more similar than you and Aurelius - after all, we’re both the ones who will inherit.” He pushed open a door down a side hallway to reveal a small stone chamber with a more comfortable-looking bed than Niamh had ever known. A wooden chest for belongings and a wash basin stood off to the side.

“Is this...my room?”

“Yes.” Ambrosius pointed to a door in the far wall. “My chamber is through there, should I need you in the night. Honestly, I can dress myself, but sometimes I’ll need help with my armour.”

“Of course, My Lord,” Niamh stammered.

“None of that - to you, I’m Ambrosius.”

Exactly What We Did

Niamh was still mightily disturbed at having woken up in her brother’s body, and she was a touch miffed at losing all the conditioning she’d done in her own body, but once they reached the palace courtyard where the knights trained and she saw a handful of them gathered in a circle and sparring, swords flashing, she was excited.

She suspected she’d put a lot more thought into being a boy than Niall had into being a girl.

”Fare thee well, brother,” Niall said from atop the mare, voice airy and faint. He even fluttered the handkerchief Niamh had been forced to embroider. “Bring our family honor.”

Niamh could only stare; she never spoke like that. “You too. If the other girls give you trouble, don’t be afraid to give them trouble right back,” she managed finally.

Declan stared at the two of them, puzzled. Drat. Had they given the game away already? “Did you two switch personalities in the night or something?”

“That’s exactly what we did,” Niamh said, deadpan. “Anyway, I’d best be off to my fate. Keep her safe, Declan.” And Niamh, with the best boyish swagger she could muster, headed toward the hall of pages.

She found the way easily enough - other boys her age were heading toward a pair of double wooden doors that led to a long, low stone building that ran perpendicular to the knights’ hall.

Several older lads, likely squires as they were wearing tabards in their masters’ colors, directed the other boys in the right place. Niamh came up short when a tall, broad-shouldered, and frighteningly handsome blond boy stepped into her path.

“What house are you from, mite?” he asked.

Of course he was a prat. The handsome ones always were. Niamh decided that she disliked him. “The House of O’Scannlain,” she said.

The blond boy called over his shoulder, “You have an O’Scannlain on the list?”

Another squire - taller, dark-haired, thin - consulted a parchment scroll. “Yes - Niall.”

“Who’s he been assigned to?”

“No one.”

The blond boy grinned and clapped Niall on the shoulder. “Excellent. You can be Ambrosius’s page.”

Niall bobbed her head politely. “Yes, sir. And Ambrosius would be?”

The blond boy’s grin turned mean. “That would be Prince Ambrosius, and he would be standing over there.”

Niall felt her heart plummet into her shoes. Prince Ambrosius was...holding the scroll.

Niamh and Niall

When Niamh had suggested switching places with Niall so he could go to mage school and she could go to knight training instead of finishing school, she’d thought there would be a haircut, some awkward and painful chest binding, and promises to keep each other’s secrets.


She hadn’t planned on waking up in Niall’s body to find Niall standing over her in her body, holding a grimoire and looking disturbingly self-satisfied.

“So...just answer my name and I’ll answer to yours,” he - she - said.

Niamh might have quibbled about that more if she hadn’t suddenly had to answer the call of nature and ducked out of the cave, into the bushes. Where she had a quiet panic attack, did her business, and then strode back into the cave in time to find Declan, the man-at-arms sent to escort them to the capital, packing up their gear.

“You took your royal time, Master Niall,” Declan said. “Come along, help your sister onto the horse. We’ve got to make the capital before sundown.”

Niall smirked when Niamh struggled to help him onto the horse, but she got the satisfaction of wearing the sword that Niall despised.

The Capital rose against the horizon in the distance, the palace towers gleaming in the early morning light. Somewhere, amidst those bright white towers, the King’s Knights trained. Niamh had seen the King’s Knights once before, when she was a child, and she’d been enchanted by their shining armor, their seeming endless strength as their sparred in a tourney held in the neighboring baronet, and she’d decided then and there that she wanted to be one of them.

If only she could get used to her brother’s gangly, clumsy body. She wasn’t sure that Niall even needed to go to mage school if he could do something like this just by reading out of a book, but...she had been afforded a unique chance. And she was going to take it. When they stopped for lunch, she practiced drills with the swords, ones she’d bribed Declan into teaching her while Niall helped Declan prepare the food.

She almost tripped and fell on her face, but once she became accustomed to Niall’s body’s balance, it’d be worth it.

“Master Niall, it’s so good to see you taking an interest in a man’s work,” Declan said.

Master Niall. Maybe Niamh could get used to that.