"That one," Steve pointed to his selection, glancing around furtively. The place was packed, but nobody seemed to be paying attention to him. His military mind kept scanning the room for anything out of the ordinary, pinpointing easy exits and strategic points of cover.
The man behind the counter placed Steve's purchase in a plain brown bag and handed it to him, accepting the money Steve gave him. Tucking the brown bag into his jacket pocket, Steve walked out of the shop without his change.
Outside the shop Steve walked quickly down the street, glancing behind himself from time to time, making sure he was not being followed. Steve approached the end of the block and turned north, heading towards a secluded spot along the river. The buildings gradually thinned behind him as he quickened his step in anticipation.
Reaching the river, Steve ducked behind a bush, tucking his long body into the small space. Placing his hand into his jacket pocket, Steve pulled out the brown bag and unwrapped its contents gently. He picked up one of the small objects, examining it for imperfections, scrutinizing it, before picking up the next.
Finally satisfied with his purchase, Steve picked up the first and bit into it. He sighed in ecstasy, reveling in the creamy, intense, raspberry center surrounded by dark chocolate.
Steve settled back against the dark green foliage, enjoying every bite of his chocolate truffles.
2 comments:
First paragraph - I think, sometimes, you overdo the whole point where the boys are in the military - that was telling. The rest of the paragraph, where Steve is cataloguing entrances and exits, was more showing, but still a little too..non-specific to be believable. Show us how his mind works, like the fact that he knows the nearest exit is precisely thirty-three feet to his left and the safest cover spot is at the end of the bar where he was 270 degrees of shielded visibility.
Making Steve's purchase a mystery was pretty fun, especially since men seem to be unlikely chocolate aficionados.
...Misplaced modifiers. Also, try to avoid the imperfect tense - it clutters up your readers' perceptions of what characters are doing.
Those modifiers will be the death of me yet..... I can see how I could be showing. I like your suggestions though.
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