He watched her standing in the fury of the storm, wild and untameable. His eyes darted back and forth, making sure that there was no one else around. Walking with stealth he stole closer to his target, closer to victory.
She twitched her blond hair out of her eyes, still facing into the storm, letting the rain mingle with her tears. She jerked to full alert when she heard the sound of a footstep behind her. Quick as lightning she turned on the person behind her; years of military training coursing through her body. She shifted into a fighters crouch.
The military man backed up a step, raising his hands to show he meant no harm, a warm smile flashed across his craggy and weather worn face. He inched closer.
The woman straightened up; snapping off a sharp salute to the man in front of her, though her eyes were hard, mocking and empty. She swallowed painfully, sadness flashed in her face when she remembered all that she wanted, and all that regulations said that she could not have.
The superior officer returned the gesture and then, dropping all pretenses, he closed the gap and pulled her into his arms, whispering vows never to let her go.
(characters are Jack O'Neill and Samantha Carter from Stargate-sg1)
3 comments:
I do not know anything about this fandom, so I cannot comment on the accuracy or canon-loyalty of the characters, but it's an interesting piece all the same. Be careful with the melodrama and cliché imagery. There was a hefty misplaced modifier in there, plus a comma splice and some elegant variation. I'd keep an eye on those adjectives, too. Don't use too many at once, especially since they might contradict each other or dilute each other. The last line is pretty awesome, though.
I think I fixed the problems
Looks like some of the grammar has been cleared up, only to be replaced by some non-judicious use of semicolons. The elegant variation and adjective chains remain. Also, "walking with stealth" is a bit wordy. Concision is your friend. See if you can make it two words.
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