The scent of loamy earth rose on the damp air. The sun had set behind the city, painting it a vivid orange, and dusk was falling. The city lights were starting to come on, glowing pale in the misty night. Fog was gathering and drifting into the streets, flowing like river currents towards the center of the city. The moon was rising, bathing the night in silver light.
A bench, partly hidden by the drooping branches of an ancient Elm tree, was tucked away near the trunk. The gnarled branches cradling the bench and casting deeper shadows on Arianna and David as they sat on the old park bench, nestled at the top of a hill, just outside of the city to the East. The breeze was blowing gently from the south, cool and soft.
Arianna snuggled into David's side, her head against his shoulder. She shivered lightly under his leather jacket that was slung around her shoulders. David placed his arm around her shoulders, sighing in contentment. Right now, he thought, right now, I'm happy.
David tipped his head back to look up at the sky. The clouds were starting to thin out, and he could see the first spots of light in the distance.
Arianna watched David watching the stars and smiled, her hand resting on his chest, feeling his heartbeat beneath her fingers. She leaned over and kissed his neck as his head was tilted back.
David's breath hitched, his skin goosebumping under her lips. He looked down at her, his eyes dark in the night. He brought his lips to hers and kissed her slowly and passionately.
"I love you Arianna," David said.
"I love you too."
It was the first time those words had been exchanged.
5 comments:
Now, I'm not the greatest critic, but I have barely an verbal-spatial perception, so I have no clue where the park is in relation to the city or where the bench is in the grand scheme of the park. I would guess that the bench is on a hill bordering some trees so they can overlook the city, but I have no clue.
I liked the way you covered pretty much all the senses, though. Starting off with smell was new and improved and a whole lot of fun.
I did sort of feel like the character interaction intruded in the place. Even though purple prose drives me nutty, I'd have like to see you wax a little poetic about the sunset. Is the city to the west of the park, so the skyline cuts into the "blaze of color" that is the sunset? If I close my eyes, I cannot picture the place so well, but then I am extra bad at picturing places, so you'd have to go all out and be pretty specific.
Also, "encroaching" connotatively has a negative feel to it, so I envision the trees as unruly and a little too overgrown for their own good, reaching for innocent bench-sitters with gnarled finger-like branches. Was that what you were going for?
I'll have to rework it a bit. I can see what you are talking about. I can see when you point these things out, how I could have made it better. I will edit and re-post.
Re-posted
Okay. The sun setting behind the city as an image was a great way to get oriented. Definite improvement.
Apparently, there's already been work done on this, so I don't know if what I have to say is relevant. Nagi said pretty much everything I wanted to say. It didn't feel like a place description, more like a typical scene. What you do have is good though.
Post a Comment