They moved through the shadowed forest scant more than shadows themselves, proud and noble they had little to do with humans.
He once was one of them, watching stars, at one with the course of the world. His life changed when he helped a little boy.
This day was unlike the others; he was riding through the forest when he felt a great evil in the woods. Drawing his bow he went in search of it; anything truly evil must be destroyed, and he could feel it.
Seeing a boy and a girl backed up against a tree, he acted.
3 comments:
The second half of the second clause is a run-on sentence. Took me a moment to notice it, but it's there and a bit abrupt. Comma splice in the first sentence of the third paragraph. Last two sentences begin with imperfect dependent clauses that are not off-set by commas. As a general rule, try not to start sentences with verbs in the imperfect tense too often as it overloads your reader. Read it aloud and see.
That being said, once again, you've managed to pick a character who remains largely unexplored in fandom, and it's an interesting take. Even though your characterization is somewhat superficial, the fact that you're dealing with a Centaur who's inhuman makes the superficiality work, because Centaurs are unlike humans. Whether or not that was intentional, I don't know, but it's a subtle point and well done.
I was just trying to work with characters that nobody seems to notice a whole lot... I know my writing structure is horrible, not to mention my grammar.
I tried to fix it.
Can you explain to me imperfect dependent clauses?
Can a comma splice be fixed by changing it to a semi-colon?
Is the characterization superficial because there is not much known about the Centaurs and so anything that I applied to them could not be verified anyway?
I will read my posts out loud before I post them, I think it will help, because if it doesn't sound right, then it probably isn't. :)
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