Xin was a strong woman, a fearless fighter, and a true friend.
She fought with the strength of two and the bravery of ten. She never doubted who she was and what she wanted. Her sword rang out in the heat of battle, dancing in to deliver fatal blows; coming to the aide of her comrades.
The blows rained down on her in the prison, the questioners relentless, but Xin would never betray her crew, she would die before failing them. Through broken bone and blackened eye Xin smiled in the face of her captors.
“Bring me sweet death.”
(I reworked it, trying to make it better.)
5 comments:
Hmmm. The first line is all tell and no show. I like that she laughs as she fights, but I don't know that such shows that she's a superb swordswoman as much as it shows that she's reckless. The last paragraph feels...sudden. Like I've missed an entire story, and I don't know whether or not I should feel sympathetic or apathetic, because that's war. What makes Xin strong? Sounds like she doesn't take death to well. How is she a true friend?
Do you get what I'm saying?
I understand. I will try to fix it tonight. Ick, I am heading into a ten day stretch at work with no days off. so posting might be a little thin, but I will do my utmost best to post every night.
I just realized we both forgot to do overviews on Sunday. Well...drat. And don't worry about life getting in the way of writing. Life comes first. We'll do overviews this Sunday, then. I'll post first so you get what I mean.
Would it help you if we did simple 100-word exercises next week on showing, not telling? We can do that if it would help. After all, this is about helping each other.
yes that would probably help
Interesting re-work. I like the new angle, and some of the new stuff was really good showing. Still some telling going on. We'll work on it next week - no worries.
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