Original Tell: Cathalan's eyes went distant as he remembered how he got to where he was.
Showing:
Cathalan winced at the flood of memories, his father before him was Lord Helvan Slehn. He died a short while ago, pushing his responsibility onto Cathalan's young shoulders.
Cathalan rose, muttering, before the sun each morning, and dragged himself to bed each night long after the sun was down. He rolled his eyes as he dealt with petty disputes among the people, and after a while all he heard was “Blah, blah, blah.”
“You know, I like working with you Gescano, you expect me to be more than I am. More than what everyone expects me to be.”
1 comment:
Hmm. I'm not entirely sure what to make of this. The first sentence appears to be a run-on of two entirely different sentences. Given that this is a drabble and words are money (as it were), I don't know that you need his father's name. It doesn't matter who his father was as much as that his father died and he was left to pick up the pieces. I like the sun-up to sun-down imagery - it does speak of long days, although while he rose "muttering" doesn't tell me about his burden. He seems derisive, if anything. I don't know that "Blah, blah, blah" works in the historical time period you've chosen (even though you are a modern writer). Maybe it sounded like the droning of bees instead? Who knows. Just try to stick to the historicism of your piece. I do like how you wove it back in to the original piece.
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